sometimes I feel like I’m not anywhere
Everything on the outside always appears different. My friends appear to “need” me because they are talking to me. they appear to need me because I’m just coincidentally right beside them. they appear to need me because I’m just there.
But I believe that they never needed me. they never needed me to be happier, they may be even happier without me which has been evident before.
I wish I could say that whether i was or was not there makes no difference but it does. They are laughing more when I’m not there, they are more connected when I’m not there, they are happier when I’m not there.
even the one last person I thought was my one last hope of being my light, my bean of happiness. it seems like when I’m with her, I’m not there too.
Again, I appear to be there because she talks to me (twice for an hour, which is just negligible). but I’m not there, because I don’t make a difference. Now’s the part I wish I make a difference even if it’s a worse difference but this still means I’m just an empty vessel, I am nothing.
Even the person who talks to me the most currently most likely thinks I’m nothing as well. She agrees that I’m boring, I have no character, no personality.
Why is being someone so difficult, it’s so difficult for me to have a decent character or personality but then again, this is my character. I am afraid to do anything and everything. I am small and powerless. I cannot be a leader. I think I’m selfish inside. I can’t make people laugh. I can’t laugh along with more than 10 people in my life. I can’t talk to people. I can’t interact. I can’t be with people.
it makes me nervous to queue up because strangers are behind and in front of me. I makes me nervous to hold a plate in my palms and walk across the cAnteen. It makes me nervous to order anything from any stall. it makes me nervous to read a sentence to the class ( specifically targeted at my experience ). it makes me nervous to be with people.
Why must my flaws be such that I appear like a hollow and empty human being?