every year on this day, 22 December, my heart aches. And when I say it aches, I mean it really hurts.

Maybe not now because I’m not trying to remember the past, but it’ll probably come soon in the middle of the night.

not everybody remembers my birthday and I wish I can say I don’t mind, that I don’t mind them realising it suddenly from others before wishing me. I do not mind, but I’ll be lying if I said I don’t mind those whom I love more forgetting.

Lilyn, you seem to be drifting apart from me. You didnt invite me to your cadet inspector thingy, you didn’t text me ( I shouldn’t feel angry because I don’t text you too), you don’t tell me stuff when you’re nervous or trying to hide yourself from the outside world anymore. I wish I couldn’t care less. I hope we don’t cross each other’s paths disgustingly quietly and silently and any other words that means distant on results day (logistically speaking the last day we see each other). I wish I didn’t shed my first few tears today for you but I did. I miss the way I wait for you searching your stupid comics, I miss laughing more realistically with you, I miss you talking about guys less and us more.

When I said I remember things on my birthday I didn’t really mean that, that’s probably just the first accidental reminder of losing someone I love today.

I don’t wish to remember the sadder memories but it’ll probably come once I let this screen fade black.

and I don’t wish to write it down because the thoughts I’ve just let out today have already made my heart shatter and my mind blank. So I’m probably going to go to sleep now and use up about 6more hours of my birthday.