I wish I didn’t care about what people think of me but I think I do. Everyone around me seems so different from me I wonder if I’m abnormal. Am I suppose to change myself to be like them? I know I shouldn’t but that is the only way to be part of them. I feel like I try so hard to be seen only to be pushed to the back again. And then again, why do I mind about being at the back?
It’s not intentional but I wish for people to notice me, I just wish someone saw how uncomfortable I am with everyone, i wish people see who I really am. I don’t wish to be seen as boring and unsociable and just all in all “untalkable” and “unfriendable”. I know I said I don’t wish people would see that in me but it’s too much to ask for because that’s what I see very obviously in myself.
I really think I’m boring, I’m difficult to talk to, I’m so difficult to laugh and joke with (genuinely), I’m just a tiny ant in every room, occasionally noticed, most of the time ignored, all the time insignificant.
I don’t see that in all the other people, all the other people except me. What triggered my sadness today is actually quite pathetic, a guy I thought could have a little interest in me didn’t choose to marry me, another guy chose to shoot me in shoot shag and marry, so much in a simple truth and dare game could upset me and I’m really feeling very pathetic about being upset about these insignificant words.
I think it upset me so much because it again reminded me of how lousy I feel I am, lousy in character, lousy for the alpha program and just lousy in life.
I could be confident, I could speak up even when. I didn’t want to, I could act like how many of the other girls act, I could do all that, but that wouldn’t be me.
I also feel bad for struggling to find the good in others. I don’t see the good in some of the people I just met in CCA. The people I thought somehow just maybe were like me and were my potential real friends, all turned out to be different and “cooler” when they talked to someone else. And then I realized how bored and confined they get talking to me.
sigh I hate getting so sad about myself and I hate having the urge to cry about it. when I know I don’t really make that choice of being sad or having to cry, I feel worse off. It kind of means that this mechanism is in me, that I will always continue to feel this way in all the similar scenarios that are heading towards me in my life, it kind of means that I’m superficial, it kind of means i will forever be this christy that i dislike.