today is the day I realized anything can happen anytime anywhere in our lives. Today is 13th may, a day I’ve been awaiting for because of my 3G data renewal, but who knew that I was awaiting for the death day of my grandfather.
I was in school watching finding nemo, watching marlin’s wife die and Marlin seeing hope in finding his son. I received the message of the fall. i was scared, I felt like it was unreal, sounds around me started getting louder, I really really really really really wished it was a dream. But the good part of phase 1 was that I still had hope, like Marlin had hope in finding nemo.
Then I received news about the stroke, now it hit me halfway through because my grandfather would hate having a stroke. he loves to colour, he loves to take long walks, he loves to fix puzzles with me. He wouldn’t want to be not able to do all that and lay there doing nothing. I thought about how I wouldn’t able to hear his voice anymore, how we couldn’t make puzzles anymore and how he couldn’t colour anymore, and it broke me so much inside. But somehow inside me I wasn’t completely giving up, I still saw hope.
until they said his skull cracked and he couldn’t work with the doctors to stop his own blood clot. I saw what little hope we had left vanish into thin air right in from of my eyes. in my head, I saw the life without my grandfather, the life I never ever ever want, but it’s here.
I saw that there was no way to bring him back, i saw that no one is going to be there on the sofa to wait for me to finish my homework late at night, I saw that I could no longer see him happily colouring, I saw that we will be constantly reminded of him.
I regret many things just like many people do when they lose their loved ones. I regret not finishing the Lego tower he has been asking me to finish a Long time ago. I regret feeling reluctant about sharing my puzzles with him. I regret not going on walks with him. I regret not sharing his love of colouring with him. I regret expressing my love towards him more.
I keep replaying the day I decided to hug him at the airport, he was so happy and through his eyes I could tell that he loved us so much. I regret dragging, dragging the time I wanted to share with him the moment we had in the video tape. I was reminded constantly, but I was constantly dragging and now it’s too late.
We went home and there were just too much things that remind us of him. his Color pencils, his colouring book, his glasses, his Samsung pad, his cigarettes, his lighter, his ash pumpkin tray, his chair, his fish, his clothes, his imprints of memories in us.
I went to my room and I was reminded yet again, his smile when he laughed at us for not sleeping the night before. The way he looked at us, again, I could tell that he loved us very very much.
I remembered the days he looked so much in pain and I had the fear he would fall sick and disappear, but I did nothing, because he became better. I regret that I did nothing.
I miss his presence, his smile, and just him. How I wish he could just return to us
But even without him back, he will always be loved and always be missed and always always be thought of.