I miss him again. I thought about how I would never feel the same kind of happiness again, the kind when i tease you about loving ahma and I tease ahma about loving you. the kind when it’s late at night and four of us walk together, laughing and living. The kind when we gather as a family and I pause, just to take in the light and love I feel.
I thought about the fear, the fear of forgetting you. I can feel myself forgetting, it’s only been 4 months and I can feel myself forgetting. Forgetting how I talk to you, how I laugh with you, how I feel with you.
Yesterday when I was studying for my promotional exams, I felt like I was forgetting the feeling of your presence beside me when I study in the living room. I was so afraid to forget. I placed your photo, the one where you looked so happy at thailand with us, I placed it right beside me. I imagined you looking at me, hitting your stomach with the scratching stick and smiling a little because I looked at you. I imagined the tv on, of course it was WWE. I imagined myself asking you which guy was the bad guy. It was too much to take though, I could only let you be by my side this way for a few minutes because I could feel my heart breaking. My throats gets all painful, my eyes swell, but the worse part was feeling my heart beating but aching, beating but breaking.
I couldn’t concentrate on my notes, all I could think of was how nice it would be if you were here. I turned to the fish and I was kind of waiting to see if they act like when you were around, going to the TOP of the tank because they knew you were gonna feed them when you were near. But they didn’t.
I went to the tank, I placed both of my hands on the tank and they started acting like you were here when in actual fact you’re not. I saw my reflection in the tank, I was imagining seeing you behind me, I was imagining so much I was so afraid you’ll appear because I was so afraid of ghosts even if it were you.
I wonder, is it through these nights where I sit alone in the living room and think of you and cry hysterically about you that you come to me in my dreams? To hug me to assure me that we’ll all be together again? or is it a thing that I just made up myself just because that was what I wanted to believe in. I want to believe that we’ll see each other again. I love you ahgong.