December 2016, 7 months without ahgong. I just went to taiwan and bought my first puzzle with the same thoughts but a different reality now. The thought that me and my grandfather could piece it together. I didn’t really want to piece it, not when I knew he wouldn’t be there to “steal” the excitement from me.

The picture was one with different models of old cars in a kind of cariacature form. And my other thought, or rather just an intuitive feeling that what he might say is “wah 这样多车啊!” and he would smile rather happily and drag his fingers across the cars and try to suppress his excitement to do this with me but always accidentally show it anyway.

The fact that I could imagine him,((I hate using that word)) saying these things, having those actions, seeing that smile in his eyes and wanting to share his love for puzzles with me, but not really seeing it anymore, it was heart breaking.

7 months and the feeling in my heart isn’t very much different. It’s like him holding my heart, him crushing it, but I can see his eyes watering too. he doesn’t want to hurt me, but I’m constantly putting him in that position to do so.

Next thing, December, of course my birthday is in it. 22nd, I went out to the CCA carnival, and I ate lunch with my cca friends, I felt kind of happy.

In the evening, kaima bought me an ice cream cake (inside out)

Only when I realized they weren’t going to light candles for me or sing a birthday song for me did I remember ahgong.

The happiness I built up in the first half of the day, it just was gone like that. Kaima took a photo of me with my cake, and she just had to remind me that ahgong was with me in it, technically speaking, just his altar.

But last year, just last year, just 12 months ago, on this very day, he was right by my side. I in my green camp shirt, he in his predictable white singlet. I couldn’t rid the image out of my head, because there is an image, and actually a lot of pictures that remind me of this.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to just scream out for him, for him to be beside me again.

We played with the dry ice, again I imagined how he would be so excited to experiment this with us. Daddy took the box of dry ice and kind of showed it to him(his altar), I think I kind of died inside.

but despite all this, the many times I describe my heart shattering, the death of the things inside me, i still believe he’s right here with me. It’s just that it’s hard for me to cope with the thought that he’s not here for me to look at, just me for him to look at now.