I’m getting more and more afraid about losing memories with ahgong.

These days all I don’t want to forget is the distant past, especially when so many people are gone. It’s hard (( I say it’s hard bc I still make memories in my very occasional dreams)) to make new memories with no one there to make them.

Remember what I said about being very afraid to forget about ahgong, yes this is about that again because I remembered something about him and I can’t believe I only remembered on the last day of 2016. 
it’s 2nd Jan 2017, and you’re in your bed with your swollen eyes and wet pillow again. It hasn’t happen for quite a while now until I saw photos. I suck at looking at photos without thinking too much, but seriously, how do I take it? When there is no longer the physical presence of someone that looks so full of emotion and full of life in a captured moment on a piece of paper. When you know there’s no longer a day where you can relieve that moment.

this year, we put in much greater effort than all the others to make their birthday special. I didn’t really know why though, why we didn’t do this every year, just that year we seem rather eager to make them really happy. 

We bought a singlet for ahgong from Robinson at compasspoint and ahmah a cup set thingy. we made cards we were quite proud of, with Chinese words typed out(literally from a computer and printed) and we presented it to them. 

It’s like a once in a lifetime thing you know, the first and very first time they receive a present, effort placed into a gift, from their beloved grandchildren. The day they felt like we were all grown up and learnt how to thank and love them back ( probably not as much) but about as much as they love us. 

When he saw the singlet, ya he looked kind of as happy as how he looked in the picture above except we could see more glowing and more yellow teeth and more love. Ahmah wasn’t very happy with her present HAHA but she obviously still loved us more after that.

Ahgong read our cards to ahmah and to everyone and he was like “wah 这样美啊” I was so proud of my drawing, he always made me feel proud of my art no matter how ugly it actually was. and the best part is, he really thinks my art is really good all the time, he doesn’t have to lie to tell me he loves it because he really does love it. I wish to show him, the drawings I have done after he has left, I wish for him to praise me, to have that look in his eyes wishing his art was as good as mine. Colouring, he wished he was as good as me. Every time I coloured he would seem to have that admiration for me, and I felt bad because I could see he really wanted to be good. So I praised him back, I always said his coloring was wonderful, and gave the wow and just everything I could to see him happy and glad that he was this good. 

Ok so back to the cards because my eyes are starting to hurt. So he read it out and he was kind of touched and we thought he would treasure it but turns out he used it as paper for his 4D numbers. HAHA I was kind of angry when I found out but I was amused too and in the end just thought of it as a reason to love him more. to understand that he doesn’t really care for what we write down but rather what we do for him. Whether we take walks with him to Rivervale plaza((which we did less when we were older)) which I regret not doing and also like whether we play with him (( puzzles and coloring)).

I just have to write down another memory. I remember was going to have a Chinese exam and my Chinese dictionary went missing. and because I lose things so easily and for countless times, dagu and kaima didn’t really want to care about me anymore and decided to watch me from the sofa as I panicked searching around the house. Then he said, he said he wanted to go with me to Rivervale plaza to see whether they sold it there. Eyes dying. I said it’s ok. And he said, he said he wanted to go and check for me. He wanted to travel for me and put in effort for me just to not see me look sad and helpless. Thank you ahgong I love you. 

Next memory, pumping bicycles, we have a lot of memories on pumping wheels. Working with all the stupid old pumps, we have the 4.50 one from Rivervale plaza that always breaks which he found several ways to tape back or hold the leak, even the new one we bought. When kaiye gave us a super cool looking pump, he was so happy. But I kind of thought that was the end of our memories of struggling to pump a bike. 

Next memory, cleaning fish tanks, he was a pro at it. I liked the one time he took out all the fishes and put them into buckets and drained all the water out and then put back all the water again and put back all the fishes again. It was so fun to watch ahgong and ahmah work together as a “team” and take care of the fishes both of them ( actually I think only ahgong loves them) love.

I think I can only do this much memories because I’m emotionally tired. Tired of thinking that he’s not here anymore, and tired of thinking it’s completely true. But I still want to end this with a new made up memory of him and us. So after May 12 which was the day we decided we were going to take more walks with him, on may 13 we walked to Rivervale plaza with him, ahgong bought mei mei fries and ice cream, we looked at the bicycles and thought of getting one, and we walked home, he tapped his card for the back door, we went home and ate ahmah’s dinner, him in his ahgong chair and us right beside him.