ok so basically this was a last minute outing (house visiting) planned by hue sa and cart when I was out at NUS!! and I’ve actually never really had time for myself with my friends before on a Saturday because I had to be with my Aunty or my Mother, and I feel happy but kind of guilty about not spending time with my family.  
Now I’m starting to think if I’m growing older, I mean not physically but like im starting to feel like my life outside is more important than my life with my family. But of course I don’t feel that way, I still feel that my family is more important, I don’t wish to fly away.

Anyways, I was still happy to spend time with cart sasa and hue and the day was not wasted even though we did ZERO hw when I thought we were going to do some. 
Ok so I wanted to take kaima’s car to have a shorter and easier journey so I had to go earlier, and I thought what’s better than to go to cart and have fun with her for like an hour. So I went and i got off the mrt station, feeling guilty about kaima, but she loved me so much she wouldn’t say that she mind because she probably knew it would hurt me. I went in and then I can’t find my earpiece, so I thought I probably dropped it in kaima’s car, but apparently it’s not there too and ya I found it on the road waiting to get run over by a car. sigh so now I wasted like 15 mins or something trying to get my stuff in place. 
So I went to yew tee mrt and it was so Long a journey!!!! I didn’t expect it to be that Long, but ok la it wasn’t that bad. then I text cart and she started panicking because she thinks I will get lost HAHAHA. But obviously I’m old enough and smart enough and resourceful enough to use Google map and find the way!!! I’m a grown woman and I have the ability to travel to someone’s house like 7 mins away. But still, she was sweet to offer to come and fetch me but it’s insulting HAHA, but still sweet. I still tried to follow the map anyway because I’m a grown woman and ya I was going the right direction but it’s the Long way but who cares, I’m going in the right direction. But cart said I was wrong and then said I was right and she was right, I was right, and we met up eventually in the middle. This was like the first time she smiled at me in 2 days, even though it’s from afar i was still relieved.
If u can’t remember what I’m talking about, it’s about the stupid Thursday where you decided to tell cart about the meet up with the Marsiling sec teacher for a religious session which you know you don’t want to go but your personality forces you to do it anyway. Caitlin tried to take my phone to tell her that I didn’t want to go but I didn’t let her because I was 15 mins away to the meeting, I didn’t want to make a false promise. But ya I didn’t let her and she went to the toilet already kind of angry at me. 

Then she told hue and sasa and they started getting curious and worried about me too. I really was very touched bc they looked like they cared for me so much and they really wanted to make sure that I wasn’t endangered by a pedophile or a money scammer. So when we were on the train they offered to go to amk hub with me and inspect the lady, and i felt touched again but also frustrated. I know they care but I feel like i don’t want to drag them into this thing I’m tangled with. But being great friends, i knew they’ll come anyway, and they really wanted me to immediately go up to her and tell her that I didn’t want to do this anymore.

but to whoever is reading this, you know me (probably), I can’t do that, I will never be able to bring myself to reject someone this way. 

It took a lot and I mean a lot of persuasion to get them to believe that this was the last session I was going to go and that I was gonna text her to stop the sessions. and between all that actually sarah was the only one who understood how I feel about this whole situation, that because they were nice people who brought me into this situation only because I think I kind of accidentally showed interest, and it’s only responsible and respectful of me to have that one last session I promised. 

Cart was the most aggressive, hue the second, they really wanted me to just go up there and reject her in her face or just not go at all. I was really scared, that they really wouldn’t let me go. 

I understand why cart was the most aggressive though, because she was the one who really understood that I was getting hurt too much having this inability to think for myself before thinking about others, and because I can’t do rejection. She’s the one with the bravery I want to have, because I think I have none. 

So precisely because I don’t have the bravery, I went to the session and I think it’s the worse one. 
This girl from CHIJ Tohpayoh (Sasa’s school) was also joining us to learn from peiyu how to give a bible session, and ya I was terrified, and teeny weeny bit hoping she was pretty HAHA. But anyways she was very nice, she had green hair and that was cool, but she really was very nice, very sociable, too sociable for my liking but I was glad she was sociable because I had no idea what to talk about. 

So we talked quite a bit before buying food and I was kind of uncomfortable and I was looking away a lot she probably noticed.

Then we bought food and we passed caitlin and sa and hue, and I gave them a look, hoping the ij girl didn’t see because I didn’t want to appear like I was hiding something.

So later we went back and I told her that they were my friends and she told me she kind of thought maybe they were. And I was relieved because now I didn’t have to lie. 

So before we ate she suddenly started closing her eyes, and clasping her hand, and prayed. And she didn’t warn me about it, and I really didn’t know what to do except to like look away and wait. This gave me the sign that today’s session was just gonna be a torture to me. 

so we talked more and peiyu finally arrived. Then she started talking about the fish story; the one where god told someone to open a fish’s mouth to get coins to pay the temple tax. And she asked me like what I remembered and I was like shit, ya I didn’t remember anything except for the story itself. And she looked kind of disappointed I felt bad. then she just talked about the stuff that I was falling asleep to, hoping she didn’t notice that I was actually blinking too much because my eyes were closing. Then it went to the next story about fishing for people, then went back to falling asleep, and I think I don’t remember anything from that. 

Then she said there was going to be a prayer session and I was terrified, she then made joelynn say the prayer, and she kept saying “really really” and the prayer was just really really long and really really hard to get through. I didn’t even put my head down and close my eyes like them, I just clasped my hands and just got through the whole thing terrified. 

So then when the whole thing ended, I told her that my parents were uncomfortable with this whole situation, and I was hoping to get out of it and she suggested I sneak out instead every once a week and act like I was in school. sigh idk how else I’m going to convince her that I can’t come for these sessions anymore. So they said they’ll pray for me, for my family to understand me and let me come for more of these sessions. They were so persistent, I felt worse. 

So I left and hue, sa and cart were at the table right outside waiting for me, I thought they left because they weren’t at the other table anymore. 
When I saw them, and this was like 2 hours later at 8 plus and I think I almost cried. They cared so much for me, they were so scared for me, yet I couldn’t change, I couldn’t be the person they wanted me to be and I just didn’t feel worthy of their love. 

ok anyways back to the next day at school, caitlin didn’t really talk to me, and when she did she was really scary, like all her sentences sounded like how she always said “sure” and it scared the hell out of me. especially when I mumble and she can’t tell what I’m saying and she says “what” and I think I died trying to say what I was trying to say again. We didn’t even sit with each other during lectures, ya it was that bad. I’m gonna put the conversation we had the day before this here: 
So the point is, I was happy to see her smiling at me walking towards me. I knew she couldn’t really get mad at me and if she did it wouldn’t be Long before she would forget it again. Then we talked and she was still quite sure I wouldn’t know how to go to her house although I think I do. 
Then we reached the void deck and I really didn’t wanted to go out because I had a feeling her Mother was going to let me in anyway despite her saying that she didn’t want me to go in previously because her house was messy. 
Sigh and I’m always right and even though caitlin said I could stay outside, I got invited in anyway and I had no choice but to go in. Stupid caitlin who dragged me up. 

Cart’s Mother was so nice and accommodating it was cute hahahaha, and she just cleared the sofa for me to sit. Cart’s house was really quite messy HAHA but her shelves on the left were cool because they had a lot of cool board games and toys, almost like what I always wanted when I grow older. I said hi to cart’s Brother and cart left me to take a Milo packet for me and I felt Super awkward sitting there. luckily she came back quick and I could concentrate on my Milo. then cart invited me into her room, I felt bad because it was like her personal space and I didn’t really want to just go to her room the first time Im going to her house. 
Then I said I could sit on the floor but obviously cart invited me up on her bed, ugh I was scared like I had a dirty butt or something. But actually I was kind of happy we were left alone and I could be closer to her if I’m sitting on her bed. She then felt the need to introduce everything in her room to me, her sheets, her Brother’s hamster, her ghost buster marshmallow, her cute baby photo, her hairdryer in a box, her face cream thingy, the hair on her bed, the yellow stains on the wall, her closet, her new year clothes, like almost every single thing, something’s wrong with her. 
 Then I told her to do her math but obviously she didn’t want to and it required a lot of persuasion before she was willing to do it. I started talking about yesterday, and she said she did it on purpose, and I told her how scared I was and I told her about how I haven’t sent the text and I pretended that I was angry with her for doing that to me and I also pretended that I wasn’t sad or like bored when she was ignoring me that day. HAHAHA but ya I was sad, and bored and sad and never angry, because it was my fault. 

Then she pretended to be angry again and did her math without talking to me hahahaha. I knew it was just a show but I was determined to get her to talk to me more. She started using her phone and searching for red velvet, I had to snatch it away from her. 
Ok so this is the part I felt like I was really really really confused about. So I was already really comfortable with her on the bed and I laid on her bolster and was trying to unlock her phone. when I realised my pinkie didn’t work anymore and I didn’t know the password as well, I just laid there and held the phone in my hand. 

Then she just placed her forehead on mine and caught me completely by surprise, and she just laughed and asked what I was looking at on her phone. I couldn’t even remember her position but she was so close and I think, I really can’t remember, whether her lips were close. My mind just went blank and I froze, all I wanted at the moment was for her to stay like that, or for her to move in closer, or for her to just kiss me (ya I’m crazy and I watch too much drama and I hate myself for thinking that). Sigh I just think too much, I think she probably just did it too instinctively and wasn’t really thinking about getting close to me and she probably didn’t feel anything. Whereas I was the one panicking, the one feeling vulnerable, the one feeling all weird and hot inside, the one with confusion. 

After that I was just wishing, I mean I was wishing all along, for time to go slower, so that I had more time with her alone. 
but whatever I wished for didn’t come true obviously and we had to leave at 3.15. I gave the kueh, hoping they’ll like them, cart’s Father took the sweet kueh and I was genuinely scared he wouldn’t like it because it was too liquidy and it was just basically sugar. And when I told them the green one was Pandan (it turned out to be kaya), they gave me this weird look, Idk what look it was but I was scared, they looked like they didn’t like me, I was sad and scared so I just quickly looked away. 
So we went on our journey to bukit gombak!! 

So first off we went into 7-11 because hue was late HAHA and looked at chips without buying any. and when hue was here she brought us somewhere else far away to buy chips and buy bubble tea (I bought Oreo milk tea and cart bought hazelnut with Oreo toppings and hue got milk tea for her brother), which her Father offered to pay for us (so sweet hahahaha). Hue gave me a nice umbrella which I peeled the plastic off of, and we bought cheddar sour cream and Kyushu seaweed chips!! Then we went back for sarah because she was late HAHAHA, and she called us with a public telephone hahahaha because her phone was spoilt. So off we went to get the famous chicken rice hue always talked about in school, and we Dabao-ed it and walked to hue’s house!! 
Hue’s house is really big!!! like she had 5 rooms and she said it was an executive and there was a big space for the tv corner and the eating area and there was still a big space in between that could sit like 5 in a circle?? 
anyways we started eating our chicken rice on hue’s wooden dining table and she gave us drinkssss. Cart got coke (tsk unhealthy), sasa got Fanta grape (tsk even worse) then ofc I chose Heineken HAHA and hue I thought was serious about giving it to me because she prepared the ice and everything for us and yet my drink on the table was still beer. I actually really wanted to drink it but I don’t wanna end up feeling sick and realize that I’m drunk at hue’s house. So in the end I shared with hue Qoo!!
they questioned me about why I didn’t like to put chili, I just didn’t feel the satisfaction in the burn. but they were really into it, especially sasa, she ate the whole packet and cart as well but cart sucks because she almost died. but hue sucks more HAHA bc she was dying when she was pouring drip by drip of the chili into her rice and she didnt even finish half of it. 
Then I realized there were a deck of cards on the table and I thought woah, hue so enthusiastic that we were coming over she prepared a deck of cards on the table to gamble with us, but I should have known the only one who would be so eager to gamble that she would bring cards was sarah. 
So we played bluff at first, we prepared a small dish of vinegar and soy sauce and the one who loses in a small part of the game dips biscuits in and eats it. Our punishment soon progressed and became better because we were bored with vinegar and soy sauce with biscuits that actually tasted nice. We ended up pouring the solution into the coke cup and added water, and this was the mix we had to sip if we lost in the small part of the game and gulp down if we lost the whole game. 
I believed from the start, that we were never going to finish the game because sarah is very ambitious at wanting to capture all the lying culprits and hue was too ambitious at lying hahahaha, lying whenever she could and saying she wasn’t and she didn’t even have to do this, she had the cards, she just wanted to lie. and cart’s so honest, only lying when she needs to, if I could choose the winner it would probably be her. 
So we played for like an hour or more and the game wasn’t done but the mix was disappearing fast because of the ambitious duo sa and hue. They eventually caught up with the fact that we were never going to finish the game so we switched a game : black jack
This one was just boring because we had no money to gamble, we just wanted a quick game to end our mix with a gulp from the unlucky loser. So obviously sarah got it because she has never been the lucky one, but she didn’t thought it taste bad, it was a near 2 hour build up and there was no climax —- although Her face was quite funny. (Don’t forget u have a video)
Then we played slap jack!!!! yay!!! at first we played it on the table and it was so loud, hue’s grandmother kept coming to us to watch, I wonder if she’s just worried about the table. But they liked the game and were so anxious at first that I was the champion AT FIRST, sigh. sarah was the worse because I think her brain doesn’t interpret the numbers or the pictures that fast hhaahha. 
Then sarah lost and had to drink another mix I made which was horrible because I had a taste and it was bad bad bad bad bad, I felt bad for sarah because she took quite a few gulps HAHA. I have a video too. I think cart didn’t even really drink the mix except for once and it was the good one, she’s just always in the safe zone. And then later hue lost and she had to drink the rest of it and she decided to do it fast and a chip we put in the mix too just slid into her thROAT HAHA and she choked and spat the stuff into her dustbin and the floor, I felt super bad because I made that hahahaha and it was really bad but she said it was because of the chip. Ohya we played on the floor with the chairs as the table incase u forget. 
I think hue’s grandmother thinks we are bad influence HAHA because it looked like we made hue vomit from extreme playing of cards. 
Then then we played monopoly deal, from cart’s house Hong Kong version it was cool. Surprisingly everybody was so good at it, and everyone was just merciless and we just stole a lot from each other, especially when there were properties to steal. Cart was the first to be able to win but she didn’t do it because she wanted to play but she won first anyway. Hue’s fate was funny because she looked like she was so good at it with all the properties and all the money but she couldn’t win hahahaha because cart decided to steal from her to win with her cards. So I won hue HAHA. sasa and hue got frustrated and they stopped the game. 
Then we played slap jack again, and the first to 2 wins was supposed to get a free drink from everyone and I WON THE FIRST ROUND!!!!’ but stupid caitlin won the second AND THIRD!!! sigh I suck now, what happened, they were losers, I was the champion. then the fourth round was won by sarah and hue was still at ZERO HAHAHA. hue was so bad at it, she would shout at every slap we had to do and still be the last to slap HAHA. so we decided that we wanted to use hue as a bet, if cart could get to 3 wins she would get 2 drinks from each of us, if me or sa wins we get one drink but cart still gets her prize and if hue wins that one round she gets 2 drinks from everyone and cart gets none. So basically we were quite confident that hue was never going to win that last round, but we still had hope in her because we didn’t want cart to get the 6 drinks. 
Ya but Guess what, cart got 6 drinks sigh, she took the slap jack champion seat from me. My Sister is right, I suck at slap jack HAHA unless I play with beginners.
Then it was already like 9.30, hue’s family was coming home, we said happy birthday to hue’s Sister and hue’s Mother was so cute because she was so excited to get to know us and asked for our names and she didn’t know how to pronounce cart’s name hahahaha and we introduced sarah’s name as 沙拉 and she believed us and she was just very welcoming and cute. then we met hue’s Father downstairs and he wasn’t as shy like last time hahaha, his hand even rose really high to wave to us!! 
I had like a 1 and a half hour journey back home, almost died but today was worth it, I laughed so much my throat hurts and my tummy aches. But I was happy that we could have so much fun together, we haven’t done it in so Long, it’s like going back to the first time we met and playing all those games all over again. It was an escape from all the struggle in school, and our friendship was rekindled!!!!!!!!!