1. hue spit her char siew on the chair when we were jumping over it2. today I said I love u to cart, hue and sasa!!! Saying it to cart, it kind of felt like a confessioN, but because I said it to everyone, it wasn’t. it was a weird feeling, like I felt that the weight on my shoulders and on my heart were just carried by those words for like a split second, for a split second I felt like I wasn’t holding anymore secrets, I felt free, but ya it’s just a split second and all of it was back again. Cart said it to me and she was just very dramatic so although I felt something it was altogether not there because it was just funnier watching her trying to be cute when she’s actually not(what I tell her)

3. Hue’s joke today was quite funny, it was about a small girl passing by a hot soup held by a tall girl and she didn’t want it to spill on her so she took a sip of the soup hahahahaha. It’s funny bc I can only imagine this scenario with hue and sasa

4. today I had a talk with Sarah about what we wanted to be when we grow up and she kind of had no idea. so I suggested to her that she should be a DJ HAHAHa and ofc she turned it down. then I asked her her aspirations in the past and she said teacher ((I’m not shocked)) and marine biologist and I realized it was also one of my ambitions last time and I told her and she started getting jealous and said that I was stealing her dream hahahaha. Then I decided to talk to her about her blog again, and I told her the one I read was about wenxi, and then I told her I felt bad so I offered her to read some stuff of mine, so I showed her what I wrote about her, first impressions and stuff like the slide and the McDonald’s incident and the stuff she said during orientation (IJ IJ IJ). and it was quite funny bc she keeps trying to look at other stuff I wrote that at first I felt like I could show her but didn’t in the end, she got v excited about what I wrote about my first impression of her. In the end she offered me to read her blog, and the next day she decided to private it, nice job Sarah. 

5. today I went running with cart outside school during one of our 2 hour breaks and we wanted to find the park near McDonald’s, but we thought we went the wrong way. So we decided to go the other side and then we realized we were actually going in the right direction but the park just looked like a hill. So then since the traffic lights on the left turned green first we just went to the left and ran towards kaima’s house, there were so many roads to stop at, Caitlin regretted choosing this route hahahaha but I was kind of happy bc these were my resting stops and I think I would have died without them. We talked about hue’s encounter with the f word and it was about paranoia, The Who will you fuck kind of questions and so we laughed about it and she asked me who I would fuck in the class for like a million dollars, and I was thinking you know, probably only her, but ya I said I wasn’t going to answer because I didn’t wanted to answer something that I didn’t actually mean and this was kind of a serious qn to me. then she said she would do anyone in the class for a million dollars, even boon kiat omg her arch boy enemy. And so when we started running I cut the prize money to 1000 dollars and she said she would only delete wei hao off the list because he’s too fat ( mean cart) and book kiat is still in it HAHAHA. and then I cut it further to like 100 and she still said no deletion I was in shock, but obviously I don’t really think she would do all our classmates for just a 100 dollars. But anyways we ran like 2.6 or something but it’s probably lesser bc the app is inaccurate and we passed but it’s like a D or an E. 

6. today I told them about how I only just learnt how to shower myself, and I told them about the woman and the child, and Caitlin was super against the idea of ghosts and me being scared by them because she believes that they do not have the power to hurt us. Ya I believe that too, that they don’t have that power, but just the power of them being able to be there with me, I can’t take it. Locking up myself in that small bathroom knowing that I may think of them again while I’m showering, and wanting to run out but forcing myself not to, I don’t want to ever experience that again. 

7. anyways we talked about afterlife, cart doesn’t believe in heaven and hell, Sarah believes, and we had a whole debate about how not all Catholics believed in heaven and hell, and Caitlin said that then they would be going against their religion then it’s kind of like their not with the religion anymore. it’s confusing, and ya she’s right, religion is flawed. I asked Sarah “Sarah, do you believe in heaven” and hui hui looked at me weirdly and asked me “are you hallucinating??” I was so confused then I said “huh what I’m just asking ” then hue told Sarah not to answer me HAHAHAH then I asked her what’s the issue then she said : “you asking Sarah whether she lives in heaven??? crazy ah” HAHAHAHA ya I wish to keep this memory forever and ever 

8. Ms daljit pronounced epitome as epitome and not epitomi and then after so many people tried to defy her, she decided to check it on Caitlin’s dictionary. then the next day she came with a new pronounciation, epitomise, I was like what. HAHAHA but turns out she said she mixed up this word with epitome and yes the conclusion is it’s pronounced epitomi. 

9. Today me and Sarah talked about peeing in the squatting toilet because I talked about tearing my skirt in the toilet. and then I told her I spray my pee everywhere hahahaha then she was disgusted and she said she doesn’t know how to use the toilet either and says that she says ” I need to hold the” then I started laughing madly and said like ew, because I’m thinking ew she holds the floor when she pees?? The floor is full of pee. But she thought that I was thinking about her holding her pee pee when she’s pee and that’s just crazy hahahaha so that thought was even funnier.

10. yoz so today I had “dinz dinz” with cart after squash which was good/bad: 3-0 (very very very low scores within this score) with Natasha and 3-2??? with Elizabeth (it was quite a close score). Cart and hue waited for me till 6.15, I was touched 😛 so then me and cait decided on hot tomato at nex, it was so weird just seeing her in nex, this is the first time she’s ever gone with me to my side, the way she sees it, she says she’s like going to another realm. Then we ate, and then we talked about OGLS, how pioneer JC had like 10 OGLS per class, which is crazy. Ok so I want to remember the friends of Caitlin: priya (is the closest to her but she says their kind of not friends anymore), vishan is the gay guy who didn’t come out to her personally and she was the last few to know and she was only occasionally close to him, like their group friends. Then there’s this other girl who went overseas, Then there’s this other girl who’s lazy ass can’t get out of her house to meet cart to make her not sad.

11. K then we talked about how Sarah was in her MG then when she found out she was in her OG too she was happy. Cart had 2 friends in her MG, grace and Sarah, and cart said she kind of “ditched” grace to go with Sarah because Sarah is more interesting. then I told her about how I really didn’t know how to talk to her during orientation, and she said she actually really wanted to talk to us, and I said I tried actually really quite hard to keep her in our convo. She said I said some interesting stories, but she like remembers only one, which is the one where may tried to kiss me and then Michelle said ew. & she doesn’t remember anything more &I I’m quite thankful because I totally regret telling them I had like so many crushes on my seniors. I don’t really remember what she said to us but I know it was like about gay stuff and she said she was so happy she could “teach” us about gay stuff because we were ignorant about it stupid. Then we ate, she ate her beefy with prawn and I ate my chicken breast with bacon. then I told her about how Angie has like a new guy who likes her every month and Caitlin’s jealous of that hahahaha. And then she said she also wanted people to like her. And she said she had literally 0 people who confessed to her HAHAHA, she was so genuinely sad it was quite funny. and so I mocked her with that one person who liked me May, and I remembered I had clarine too. And then she said it’s because I’m like boyish and it’s like associated with my Malaysian look??? And because I look like a girl but I’m boyish, that’s what makes me attractive to lesbians and gay people. And then she just looked away and thought about it for awhile and then she decided to say that it was because I look gay. And I was genuinely in shock, and I was trying to not show any expression to even accidentally hint that this is actually quite true, so I just laughed it off. then I decided to ask, to see whether she thinks if I’m gay, because that might mean that I give off too many clues about liking girls more then guys. And so I had this weird dilemma in my head; I really wanted her to help me say this, say that I’m actually kind of gay, hint that : yes I know you like me, it’s obvious, the things you do. That’s like the reason I asked hahahaha. Like I was just really really hoping that she thinks I’m gay. Because then I guess I could feel like I’m out, but also not exactly because I wouldn’t confirm it, but I just wanted to feel that feeling. then surprisingly, I was surprised that she said no, she doesn’t think I’m gay, and I gave a weird smile and nodded my head and ya I wasn’t confirming it nor was I denying it, and then I had a sudden realization like omg if I give this reaction, is it too obvious that I’m like hinting that that could be a wrong answer??? idk this whole thing was just confusing. then she just continued and said because she thinks I’m too ignorant to be gay, what, I don’t understand, what does she mean by that??? like I’m too unaware of myself or something?? is it like I’m too stupid to know which gender I like? Now thinking about it, I think she might be right. what if I really do not know?

12. Anyways I can’t rmb the order but when she said she wanted someone to confess to her, my heart literally stopped in my thROAT, I could feel like the inner Christy threatening to come out and spill my feelings to her, like I was this close, but I was also quite far from it because this outer Christy just thinks really far, and had the power to stop any compulsion. And then she continued to say ” like anyone”, omg the inner Christy is like now dying to get out, through the outer Christy, we just watched her, when she said that, I can’t tell, if she knows, that I have the feelings she want to feel happy. I really wonder. and if she does know, the way she looks at me, is it to hint me to tell her? Because from my perspective, because I think I really wanted her to know, it just looked like she already knew, and was just compelling me to tell her quick, because maybe it wouldn’t bother her. You know like with this statement, it was almost like an allele inside of me changed, to “TELL CAITLIN YOU STUPID” from “DON’T DO IT YOU STUPID”, but this is a recessive allele, and it requires homozygous recessive to activate, but I know the other one wouldn’t change, because obviously I wouldn’t be Able to bring myself to say it, so my phenotype remains the same. “DON’T DO IT” and then so I just decided to ask, then what, what will happen after Someone confesses to her. But actually secretly asking what will happen to me or us if I told you I like you. Then she said she’ll just be happy but obviously she wouldn’t accept it HAHAHA, ya so I thought hmm that’s reasonable but I was just hoping maybe, like she might take a look at the person and decide. so then my allele switched back to homozygous dominant, “Don’t do it Christy”. 

13. Later in the train she did that forehead touch thing again, thinking too much about all these events just makes me feel like a psycho and a pervert, so Caitlin pls stop. (Don’t stop)

14. Oh also I was kind of sad that she doesn’t think I’m on par with Chu ling and shu hui in terms of prettiness, I thought maybe if she kept saying I was pretty and cute and all that stuff maybe she actually thought I was the prettiest Chinese girl in class or something. I mean she thinks that she’s the prettiest but you get what I mean. she thought Sarah was the prettiest girl in class and she was on par with brintha, and I’m not even Chu Ling’s and Shu hui’s level, I felt kind of inferior, and again I didn’t feel like I was worth it for her. But then again I didn’t feel Super bad because she said she liked my personality over Sarah’s, I was guiltily happy. 

15. today I thought hue was telling me to wipe my mouth then I wiped my mouth then we ended up thinking we were telling each other to wipe our mouths and we were just wiping our mouths hysterically for like at least 10 seconds. 

16. Yesterday Caitlin asked to video call me and she called me “babu” but the “y” on the keyboard is really near to the “u”. I know she’s been calling me bb for a really long time now but bb and baby it’s different, it’s kind of weird. but anyways we video chatted and Angie brought up to Caitlin about coming over to stay, and Caitlin was really with the idea, idk whether it’s jokingly but if it’s real omg I’m super happy & excited!!! But I shouldn’t get my hopes up too high. and then I hinted angie through the computer that she should ask her to come during march hols, and so she did ask and then she said yeah 😛 (still don’t know whether it’s true). And then I did something to Angie and she said really quite loudly “stop if not I’ll expose you” and I’m like omg, that would be so so so so so obvious that I intimated the sleep over. 😱 I wanted to die on the spot. so I went out of the screen and stared at her not long after, and she gave me this kind of smile back, and she was on the camera omg, HOW MANY TIMES DOES SHE HAVE TO GIVE CLUES ( when I don’t want any clues to be given at all) That I was the one who wanted her to sleep OVER. 

17. today is the Monday of the 6th week. I’m kind of sad now because Caitlin is doing that thing where she gets really upset and annoyed when she doesn’t know how to do some qns for school. she says stuff like “whatever” and “I don’t care” and then when I ask why she would just repeatedly say that she doesn’t care. Maybe she doesn’t mean to do this, like consciously make this the way she speaks when she’s mad but I wished she understand that I just want to help her and just listen to me no matter how sad or annoyed she is about this. idk it just keeps happening, and I’m tired. and she just said sorry and patted my head, sigh I can’t even be angry anymore, I’m frustrated about how I can’t have normal emotions, I want to continue to be angry. 

18. turns out she knew about it ever since I told her that I had a “boyfriend”. so we went out to eat today at the kopitiam at amk hub, I was so stressed that I ate all my stuff without even thinking and now my stomach is full of food I didn’t really like. then also she knows that I’ve liked like 10 over people in my life, she also knows that me & Paula kissed and we FRENCH kissed sigh. her acting was really good though, the other time when I told her about the “boyfriend” I’m glad I wasn’t exposed because I think I wasn’t ready. even though I’m also not ready now, I’m glad it’s all out. all the time when she asked me questions, I looked away a lot, I stopped a lot. because I didn’t really know whether I should say all this stuff, would it make me different to her? would she think I’m less “valuable” or “special” in a sense that I have lost most of my firsts? I’m angry at myself for even thinking about this bc thinking about this means I wished she would like me even after I told her all of this, I mean I just wished she likes me, or I just wish she could still have the capability to like me. & all that thinking is just wrong because I kind of feel like I’m telling her only because I want her to know that I’m used and I’m different and incase she likes me, she knows my past and still accepts me for that before we get into it and she realizes and then that’ll be just unfair to her. sigh and this is all still my brain or rather my brainless heart thinking that she’d like me. I also looked away a lot because she was so good at finding out things, and so good at lying, if I looked into her eyes too much she might realize that I like her, and the worse part is I wouldn’t know if she knew because she’s a great liar. (I don’t mean this in a bad way). but seriously I don’t think I’m worth enough to like her, to purposely or accidentally give away too many signs that I like her, I’m thinking maybe I should distance myself. But that would be unfair to her too, then she might think that we only got close, maybe to her as best friends, because I was actually eyeing her as the prize, thus my great effort in making her happy. and sadly that is true to some extent, I mean ya ofc I do want to be best friends with her but I can’t deny that there were quite a few times my effort was coming from somewhere else. Ok anyways the real problem now is, how different should I act, or should I act any different? like what if she thinks that I like her?? I know it’s true but I really really do not want her to know (I don’t know that). Now that she knows that I like girls, would she suddenly see everything she never realized before (assumption again bc she’s a great liar), then I’ll be exposed and vulnerable and you know, dead. Omg ya and because I told her that Paula came over to my house, would she think that I’m inviting her to my house because I like her and I see it as a chance to be with her? although that’s like partially or maybe wholly true but like it’s just creepy, she probably wouldn’t dare anymore, now that she’s knows my “motives”, it would be like walking into a trap that isn’t that good but it’s still like walking into a trap. I never really had to think about my actions towards her (not really but kind of because I think she wouldn’t know about my thoughts) but like now, I feel trapped again, I feel stuck, I feel everything but good, I’ll never be free of my actions, I’ll never stop thinking about how my actions may seem to her, I’ll never stop thinking till I tell her the truth. I hate that this conversation actually even made me like her more, I didn’t feel judged although she made it sound like she kind of judged me ( I think she kind of does) but idk why I just don’t feel so. it made me feel safe, I’ve never had so little fear (it wasn’t little but compared to other times, it’s little) to tell her stuff I did that I actually felt disgusted by myself by. please don’t actually know that I like you because I’d rather die knowing that I had that conversation with you, with you knowing. I’m on the bus back home and I’ve never felt so overwhelmed by emotions that are not family related for a Long time. I feel like my heart is right at my throat, it just means I’m thinking too much and I feel like crying hahahaha. obviously I don’t know what for because as you can see, I had a lot of thoughts, and it’s probably one of those or a few of those but Idk which, that’s making me feel this way. my cheek is like numb and trembling and I feel light headed, I just want to go home and sleep it off and get ready for an emotional ride tmr again. but school sucks and I can’t have good sleep tonight, econs pls die. 

19. btw it’s good that I’m away from Caitlin this Valentine’s Day and I’m off for tuition with qx, I can get my head off all of this and get frustrated about math instead. This tuition is 100 a lesson, I’m still contemplating on whether I should continue after the month. I still again, feel obligated to accompany her, but this time I feel a little less obligation bc of the money daddy has to pay. I have to think more and make the right decision. seriously it’s 400 a month. 

20. Wait I just want you to feel a little guilty about how much you thought of wanting to spend Valentine’s Day with her. Like you really wanted qx to not choose Tuesday for tuition. But ya there’s no fate, & maybe thats a good thing. 

21. “You” means your family and mostly Angie and kaima and you while your whole family mocks you baked some muffins for Valentine’s Day and I don’t have any nice plastic bag, it’s gonna be embarrassing. I only wrote 6 post its for cart, hue and sa and qx and jas and Choo Choo. I even wrote for mr tang! Hahaha