I think I’m going crazy. Just about 15 mins ago, I found myself standing up and away from my organic chemistry, and i went crazy thinking about how quiet the house was and still is. 

I decided to walk around and stupid me decided to adjust the fallen art pieces we made after he was gone. 

Subconsciously but consciously, I went the box behind me, I took out his back scratcher, and I placed it on the tv table. By that moment I knew I was screwed because I kind of knew what my next few actions were. 

I took the Samsung pad, and I placed it there too, I thought of the pumpkin ashtray but that was long gone in the rubbish chute and I also thought of the Heineken case which is also missing, I thought of the axe oil and I took it and placed it there too. 

I took a step back and without facing the rocking chair, and looking at that view, the back scratcher, the Samsung pad and the axe oil, I felt like I was crumbling, again. I felt vibrations through my body, and vision blurring, I felt empty again. 

For a slight slight moment, I felt his presence, and then I lost it so quickly again, and then for a not very brief moment, it hurt, my heart hurt. 

I don’t know why I do this to myself, mimicking how objects would be if he’s here, like when he was here, that’s why I think I might be a little crazy. 

I even took the biscuits that he used to eat and I placed the whole bottle on the rocking chair and I took a step back again and I died again. And I really really couldn’t even stop myself. 

Then I was tempted to switch on the television, and to which channel? yes to the sports channel for WWE. but I didn’t do it.

then I was tempted to walk to the cupboard with the 3000 piece puzzle he used to take out very often to get excited about playing it with me, and I gave in to that. I walked to that cupboard and I opened it wide and obviously I died again. I was tempted to hold it, but I couldn’t. 

And ya through this whole gallery walk in my house I cried like a mad woman. I went to the fish, actually hoping they would be excited like how they get when he walks close.

I quickly put everything back where it came from when I had the thought immediately before I could get weak again. 

And even now sitting here with my organic chem long overdue timed practice in front of me, i thought of how I didn’t add the cigarettes and lighter to the table of stuff, which was actually a crucial part of the pile of his stuff. and I almost, I almost stood up to place everything back and add the cigarettes and lighter, just so I could feel more like he was here. 

and then suddenly, I also felt like someone touched me on my back, but actually I also felt like it was a muscle movement, but I almost convinced myself it was a sensation of touch. I scared myself so much that I couldn’t stay out there in the living room anymore. So yes, I stopped myself from creating the gallery again, or my muscle twitch did, idk. 

Anyways now I’m on my bed and I need to get my mind off him. goodnight. 

p.s. I really like this elephant photo.

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