you were right, what you felt was infatuation, I’m relieved I didn’t act on it because it probably would really mess up our friendship. I think I kind of knew it was just a temporary thing, the confusion, i knew we would never get along together together  HAHAHA because as a person who has very little anger, she really brings quite a lot of it out of me, and although I have sadly grown to become someone with quite a lot of deeply hidden sadness, she also brings a lot of that out of me.

But its really kind of cool to think how much differently she makes me feel on a daily basis as compared to all other people i’m friends with all my life (not that many but still). She points out all my flaws (I’m quite grateful for that actually) but the flaws i see in her, is kind of only approved by me, because its part of her character and she feels that what she’s doing is right. For example, taking it out on me when she feels frustrated about her studies. Sigh i really get mad at her for this every single time, and she just does it over and over and over. And when I’m not struggling on work that she’s struggling on, i get that she feels frustrated, but i try my best to help her, to teach her and she just pushes me away, and its not even nicely, making me feel like I feel great being better than her, and just putting these unnecessary hurtful emotions in me.  But that’s who she is and she’s probably gonna be like this for quite awhile in her life. And while I rant about all the things she does that i do not like, she’s still my best friend in this school. There are days where i feel completely happy with her, and we click and it just feels like the best thing ever, and i cant believe that this really just compensates for all the anger and sadness i feel.

I like how she’s honest with me, teaching me how to say no (even though i still don’t really want to and don’t agree with some of the methods she teaches me), and teaching me how to protect myself from getting hurt, teaching me how to get over myself and the unnecessary emotions i have, teaching me how to be responsible, teaching me how to overcome my fears, teaching me how to not be self demoralising, teaching me how to be confident. So yeah, i’m still grateful for her, and I know (actually only 80% sure because of what happened to all her other friends) that we can stay friends for a really long time, given that i spend my money and eat with her of course. I’m starting to hate food because i eat too often and too much hahahaha. She might get sad soon that i eat so much lesser now.

anyways, the main point of this post is how i should learn how to sort my emotions more. How to differentiate the happiness i feel on the rare occasions i can click with someone and of course the other feeling which are romantic. Because seriously, almost every time i realise i click with someone, i automatically suspect that i have feelings for them its crazy.

ok so obviously I had like a “sudden” realisation about this, about looking at what i had with Caitlin all wrong. My theory is that if I think that i like someone, and if i still fantasize about anyone else, I’m infatuated. idk whether its a legit theory but it seems kind of logical??? how can you be seriously into someone and still fantasize and drool over someone else??

So coming to this point, who is the someone else i encountered? well there’s a few HAHAHA so ya like Caitlin said, and sadly i have to admit, I’m kind of a slut. But she also said, there’s good and bad sluts so i guess I’m the good one who only dates multiple people in my beautiful mind. Back to the question, let me think, volleyball girls, netball girls, squash girls (ew sigh) and as you can see here, sports is an important consideration in my heart’s selection of potential partners HAHAHA and as you can see as well, boys are out of the equation. THey used to be there somewhere, but idk why they’re completely gone now, and it makes me kind of worried. Anyways, volleyball girls are, or rather is just vanessa tay, but obviously she had to be eye candy one way or another, if you saw her you would know, she’s just really pretty.

Squash girls, definitely into joan before (because we clicked a few times), definitely was into jasline before because she was so professional in squash she looked hot plus she was quite reserved, like me. And chen yan just makes me realise how much I’m into girls because she’s always “trying” to kiss me, and its a complicated feeling because while i look at chen yan completely as a great friend, i do want to kiss her but i just probably want to kiss her gender.

NETBALL, sigh my weakness. Madeline, i don’t even know how i got to know her. omg wait i do know HAHA. its sick but I’m gonna write it down anyway because i don’t wanna forget. So it was PE class and we were doing aerobics and she was right beside me and in many of the exercises, the girls had to face the right so that we’re not exposed to the boys, and we did a lot of floor exercises in rows, and yeah i was basically facing her back, and her legs and her butt. (sigh i regret writing this down)

so we did planking, and burpees and stuff and her legs, her thighs, were. hot. And she was so fit!!! like she didn’t have to stop when all the other girls were stopping and that was so so so so charismatic. For some exercises we had to face the other side, i wonder if i gave an equally great view, and if she was looking too. The encounters we had after that really like drilled the thought that i liked her into me. In the Auditorium, at the pigeon hole, at the café today, i swear we make significant eye contact all the time.

And you know, i do this a lot with many people i like and seriously, just like i wished they look back, they do look back often enough for me to assume that we’ve been looking out for each other or that they’ve noticed that i have stared too much. But seriously, every time i have this eye contact, i swear i feel like we’ve been constantly looking out for each other, and when our eyes meet, its just a rush of adrenaline, and it feels like we are in mutual agreement without confirmation with speech that we feel the same.

now, I’m crazy over this other netball girl, and her name is laura lit, and just to take note, I started crushing on her on 19 April, just to see how long it lasts. We’re in the same group for PE Netball classes and i had to pass her the ball a few times. At the end of the lesson, i kept the balls with Amanda and when i was leaving, she shouted “rest well” and i turned back and smiled, and she was smiling at me, and we smiled at each other for like 3 seconds, and that 3 seconds was the most magical 3 seconds of my life. It was like although this wasn’t the first time i met her, that 3 seconds made me felt like i was experiencing love at first sight (which i do not believe in by the way). So then i was kind of crazy over her already. wE went to the café as usual and while i was eating, she walked to the bathroom and we made eye contact again and i went crazy again, but we didn’t smile to each other, sigh i should have smiled.

Then, i saw her in the bio lecture and i was like screaming at the top of my lungs in my head, we made the magical eye contact again, and i feel like we’re both in shock at how many times we saw each other that day. And as you guessed, i fell in love with the idea of bio lectures, and looked forward to it every single time. (which is about 4 times so far). And I basically rest my head on my hand and just watch her, and she’s so attentive its so attractive. But my staring caught the attention of some and i got really terrified her friends or my friends on the other side noticed.

ok anyway after a few days of crazy day and night fantasizing, I was really delusional and was really into telling her how I felt, but obviously i wouldn’t do it, its only been like a week? so I decided to write an email – powered by my determination that i would not let her slip away and be one of my regrets in the future, to tell her what i felt and bravely ask to have her number and to hang out and be friends. But this isn’t America, friendship doesn’t really work like that. Here, she’ll probably freak out and avoid me for the rest of my school year, which would really suck. But i hope someday this year, i would push myself to attempt this bravery thing and send out something that i really want to say to her, and have no regrets.

So this was the delusional night email:

hi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just so u know, i’m christy, and i’m from your pe netball class, you know the girl that you threw balls to and catch balls from a few times. I mean you probably wont know because I’m not really noticeable, but you’re noticeable. sigh i think after this you confirm think I’m creepy and I’m gonna really regret sending this, but I really have the impulse to send u this, but I’m also scared i accidentally click send hahahaha.ok so I just think that you’re very cute and very pretty, especially when you play netball & when you’re studying (random but whatever haha). Like after last week’s pe lesson, I can’t really stop thinking about getting to know you, because I really want to get to know you because you look very nice and very fun to be with, and I really wanted to get your number HAHAHA.

I actually had a plan this week, to make sure I get to keep the netballs, and hope its you taking the other bag, and I wanted to ask for your number in the equipment room, but I didn’t even get a ball to put into the bag HAHA but its ok because I think I wouldn’t dare do it anyway.

and then I think I went a little crazy when I found out we were in the same bio class, but I also went crazy when I realised u were not in any of my other classes. so then bio lectures, idk whether I’m consciously doing it, but I look at you a lot, like really quite a lot (sorry) and sometimes I think your friend realises and i get very scared hahaha. i know this is quite creepy la, but idk why i do it, its like not really on purpose, tell me if you feel uncomfortable because if not i really feel like a pervert.

you’re probably wondering my motive for writing you this email, actually its for myself hahahaha, I want to be brave, I want to be able to say the things I want to say. But of course you are the drive for me to want to try to be brave and a bonus for me would be to get your number HAHA and another bonus is that I don’t get weird looks from you after this and that you don’t avoid me with intent. \\

but ya, i really wanted to do this because I’m feeling a bit brave today, and i want to quickly send this and push myself to do things I’m afraid to do before the bravery disappears but obviously i know im gonna regret la.

p.s ya christy is a girl’s name, and she is aware that you’re a girl too. i just have this problem about who i like. While i know that my email is very interesting and like a shocker & like it looks like im very weird, and you really want to share with your friends, i hope you don’t do it because i have friends who are your friends (e.g Amanda, and chu ling) and omg they cannot know I’m like this. if you really want to share, cover my name please HAHA.

although i probably can’t bring myself to look at you or play netball with you anymore after this, and I’m gonna regret like hell, but who cares.

oh ya after you read this, i hope you choose to forget about it because i really feel embarrassed for myself, you can choose to avoid me as well because i understand how this can look like I’m a pervert or you can choose to be disgusted with me and reveal my secret to everyone (less preferred)  or you can reply me here to tell me that you feel disgusted or uncomfortable or you can choose to do it straight up in my face in netball class, or you can pretend like nothing happened and continue to interact with me whenever needed (but when you do this please act well so that i feel less ashamed of myself) or you can make me go crazy by talking to me (actually also less preferred because im not brave in real life) or you can call me (kidding) or text me at this number here: 9674 8164 HAHA

i will support and act along with whatever decision you make ( i’m professional) and don’t feel pressurized to make me happy (shameless but you get what i mean la hahahaa), but really, do what you feel is right. ohya and one last thing, although i do think you’re cute, obviously i just really want to be your friend and with no end point in mind (i think).

one last last last last last thing, thank you laura lit, for being the drive to my bravery.

after writing this I have decided that while I was writing this, I’m creating a dream in my head about sending this to you (means it’s unrealistic and too scary) & no way in hell am I going to send u this HAhAha, but if it gets out, kill me please.

p.s p.s I really think you’re out of my league but it’s really about going out of your comfort zone and reaching for the moon and landing among the stars right HHAHA

by the way i got her email “lilala557@gmail.com” from the school website and I’m kind of disgusted at how stalkish i am, i cant imagine what she would feel if she knew the things I’m doing to get to her.
and then I realised that email was super super creepy, so I edited it:
!!!!!!! hi !!!!!!!
just so u know, i’m christy, and i’m from your pe netball class. you probably don’t know me because I’m not really noticeable and plus we’re always in different groups.

I’m gonna regret sending this, but I really have the impulse and need to send u this, but idk yet maybe I’ll just wait until I accidentally click send hahahaha.

ok I just think that you’re very cute and pretty, especially when you play netball (random but whatever hahaha). Like after last last week’s pe lesson, I couldn’t really stop thinking about getting to know you, because I really want to get to know you & because you look very fun to hang out with, and I really wanted to get your number HAHAHA.

I actually had a plan last week, to make sure I get to keep the netballs (& no just now keeping the balls wasn’t on purpose hahaha), and hope its you taking the other bag, and I wanted to ask for your number, but I didn’t even get a ball to put into the bag HAHA but its ok because I think I wouldn’t dare do it anyway and I think it’ll be creepy and scary for u and u won’t know how to avoid me if u want to avoid me hahahaha, so I just use email instead.

you’re probably wondering my motive for writing you this email, actually its for myself hahahaha, I want to be brave, I want to be able to say the things I want to say. But of course you are the drive for me to want to try to be brave and a bonus is to get your number HAHA and another bonus is that I don’t get weird looks from you after this and that you don’t avoid me purposely, but you definitely can and I won’t blame you because I understand how weird this is.

but ya, i really wanted to do this because I’m feeling a bit brave today (and I only get this feeling once every like few years HAAHA), and i want to quickly send this and push myself to do the thing I’m afraid to do before the bravery disappears and then I start to panic and get scared.

p.s i know my email very interesting and like shocking & like it looks like I’m very weird, and you really want to share with your friends but i hope you don’t do it because i have friends who are your friends (e.g Amanda hahahaha) and omg they cannot know I’m like this HAHA. if you really want to share, cover my name thanks

although i probably can’t bring myself to even go near you or play netball with you anymore after this, and I’m gonna regret like hell, but who cares.(actually I care) but really I just wanted to not be scared for once and see what happens.

oh ya after you read this, i hope you choose to forget about it because i really feel embarrassed for myself, you can choose to avoid me as well because i understand how this can look like I’m a weird or you can choose to be disgusted with me and reveal my secret to everyone (less preferred)  or you can reply me here to tell me that you feel uncomfortable or you can choose to do it straight up in my face in netball class, or you can pretend like nothing happened or you can call me (kidding) or text me at this number: 9674 8164 HAHA

but if you choose to ignore me ( which is completely fine!!) and avoid me ( which is also completely ok!!) or pretend like nothing happened, can you like email me back “ignoring” and “avoiding” and “pretending” HAHA , so that I know that my bravery to send this email is like not completely wasted hahahaha bc I might think you didn’t receive it bc my email spoil or something.

and don’t feel pressurized to make me happy (shameless but you get what i mean la hahahaa), but really, you don’t have to feel like you need to text me because my number is right there hahaha. I only want you to text me if you want to text me for whatever reasons (which I hope are good and not bad)

one last last last last last thing, thank you laura, for being the drive to my bravery!!!!!

 and then I realised it was still creepy, even angie said so and just added the word cute to make me feel better. Now I feel demoralised and I don’t think I’ll ever send this.
During another bio lecture, I held the door for chu ling and she took a really long time to go through the door and she was right behind, and I dropped my bread as well as I walked through the door. Sigh she probably thinks I’m some clumsy and unthoughtful ass.
For every PE lesson now, she never comes to our side anymore, I understand if its not on purpose, but I really feel like its on purpose. One moment they would all be on our side, and the next moment, I’m looking at Amanda getting confused at Laura’s choice of moving to the other end when they had space right beside us. And all the reasons I thought of are nothing but bad which makes me feel kind of sad.
1. maybe she wanted to avoid me because she realised I’ve been staring too much at her and we’re making too much interaction and she think its creepy so she feels like she has to get away
2. its boring to play with the people on our side, very  obviously, our two groups are; the cool and popular kids vs the less popular kids. I understand why she would do this too, sadly it seems like something I would also want to do if I were popular and could do so, which is really mean btw, but still human nature.
3. there’s someone on that side who she really likes, maybe that tall Frisbee girl who’s quite hot too.
in conclusion, thanks Amanda for being genuine, thanks laura for being genuine as well.
I really think about you too much, I really don’t know why there’s this really really really strong feeling that we will (not like it’ll ever happen but) click. Maybe that’s why i’m so into you. This feeling is so strong, its so appealing. I lay in bed and for about 2 hours, all I’m thinking about is the memories about spending time with you I never had. Texting you, seeing you in school and giving each other personal smiles, studying together, watching movies together, coming over to my house, going over to your house, going home together, going to IKEA HAHA I don’t even know why. And now as I’m writing all of this down again, I feel like i’m falling all over again, and I really don’t want to.
anyways I was thinking about you because the next day I was really prepared to ask for your number, but things didn’t go as planned. After PE, yes I did get to keep the balls, but Amanda was the one who offered help and she said something along the lines of growing muscle, and I stupidly just laughed and said ya. I MEAN WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IS THAT, I COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH BETTER. and I don’t think she offered her help??? and I just passed her the bag???? idk what I’m doing and laura was behind watching all of that. btw we did go into the equipment room together except that everyone else followed, sigh, I guess its just not meant to be. and the way her eyes speak to me, I just can’t help but feel she was judging me all the way, i’m tired and sad, and just plain tired.
(btw I was so hyped up for this day I made sure I brought a blue marker in my pocket for me to offer her to write her number with on my hand, thinking about it now, I feel dumb and useless and stupid and of course freaking naïve)
who am I to think that someone like me can make someone like laura like who I am.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
as you can see here I’m frustrated and sad.
in times like this, I really need a god. PLEASE, for once, can you help me see the way, help people I like see who I truly am, I want to be liked just by one person for goodness sake, why is that so hard.
Advertisements