I’m going through a crisis, because I have impulses and I acted on one. Although it wasn’t on complete purpose, it still kind of was and now I’m crying on the floor feeling helpless.
So on Wednesday, 24th may, I was walking home, and as usual I was thinking about Laura again, like how nice it would be to get to know her. So I rewrote the email, on the way back home, because I was having a shitty day. And I was having a shitty day because Caitlin kept scolding me for everything single thing that I did, I just felt like everything I do is wrong, which kind of takes me back to some bad memories I have.
yeah so I was really sad, and I haven’t cried in awhile, crying that day walking out of the station I was just a mess. So on impulse, I was writing this email, in the rain waiting to cross the road. Some rain drops fell on my phone, I wiped my phone on my chest, and when I looked at it again, the draft was gone. And I was like oh so where did it go? & for a moment I just thought it couldn’t be possible that I just sent the email, but yup I did, it didn’t go to the trash, or just drafted, it was just sent right to her.
This was the email:
today is like one of my worst days, so I feel like i need to do something impulsive, because only on these days I suddenly have this little bravery to do whatever I want without thinking too much.
idk whether you know me, but as you can see from my email address hahahaha that my name is christy. and ya if u know me, yes I’m that christy from PE class.
I just wanted to ask if I can have your number. I know like it’s quite weird, plus I’m like emailing which is even weirder, but I’m like brave like for now so I cannot really process anything. I know like you might ask what I want it for, actually I really dk HAHAHA. I just know that I really really hope you might give in hahahaha
and like I understand if you like don’t want to give me your number because we don’t really know each other so you don’t have to feel bad about rejecting me or just giving it to me to make me happy (shameless but you get it la hahahaa) So if you decide to not share it with me, can just like email me back and tell me so that I know at least my bravery and effort not completely wasted because if not I might think your email broken or something HAHA.
and and like I hope you won’t show your friends this bc I have friends who are your friends and they cannot know that I’m this brave (stupid) HAHHA. if u really really want to show them can like make sure they never know who I am thanks hahahaha.
so ya tmr morning I’m going to wake up and regret sending this, confirm plus chop, or actually I think a few hours later I’ll already regret. but who cares ( I care actually HAHAHA) but like I mean I’m really like taking so many risks already, like idk maybe you will start avoiding me and look at me weirdly or judge me. But like I’m only left with half a year so I think I rather that than regret at the end, and holidays coming so at least I don’t have to face you for awhile if you reject me
In that moment, i think I just murmured a little “oh my god” and I don’t know how I was feeling about it. I think it was half happy, half terrified, but mostly terrified because I could already guess what she would say, NO.
however, in my heart, I realised I wanted this. Of course I kind of wanted this, I’ve been wanting to be brave for so Long, the motive for writing that email in the first place is to pretend that I had a brave soul and that I wouldn’t be afraid about sending it out!! so then I didn’t even have to decide to be brave, the rain pushed the bravery out of me and honestly it was thrilling. thrill is a short-lived feeling though, I quickly came to my senses and knew that I was only feeling happy because I thought there could be a chance that I have a teeny weeny chance. Knowing that it was teeny weeny, I went back to fear really fast.
so anyways I decided to send a second email, to clarify that I actually didn’t want to send the first, but now I realised I made it weirder.
The second email:
omg shit I wasn’t really going to send because I actually don’t dare, but the rain just help me send HAHAHAHA. aiya whatever but now I really hope you reply bc if not this accident happened for nothing & I really want to die hahaaha
I decided to stop there, because it was exhausting feeling thrill and fear at the same time. I decided to leave my phone alone, go about with my life and wait. oh ya and I called my Sister and told her about it and sent her the email and she assured me saying it’s actually not really creepy and it’s kind of touching and I was like WOOHOO yeah baby I Guess it’s not that bad???
and then Guess what!! 10+ at night and I just opened my mail and waited for it to load, I didn’t really believe a reply would be there, but I flipped the phone around and asked my sister to take a look. I felt a vibration sent through my arm, and my sister was like “omg she really replied”
That was the moment I was absolutely terrified, I was running around my house, doing random push ups and my Sister was trying to dig out the phone which I just hid from her. I really didn’t want to look because I really felt like I knew the outcome and I just didn’t want to face it so soon.
I looked though, about 30 mins later, way to go on the facing it later than sooner christy!! I looked after my Sister looked at it for me, and the face she gave right after, & she said “you were right, I really thought she would give it to you”, and I obviously knew then I was right, she rejected me and the way she said it was exactly how I imagined it to be.
she didn’t even care enough to double check her English, sigh.
I don’t really know how sad I felt, but I knew I was sad. But I couldn’t tell if I was sad because I really wanted to get to know her and really really wanted to have her number and for her to accept me. OR because it was a wake up call///reality check for me to realise that I’m going to have a hard time fitting in being who I am.
I replied her and it was just another weird email sigh, it sounded like I was trying to guilt trip her. And I definitely didn’t sound like I was okay with the rejection although I said I was. I seriously suck at this.
it’s okay I completely get it hahahaha it’s really v weird. I kind of guessed you will feel uncomfortable giving me your number that’s why i really didn’t want to send the email omg. but anyways, although I’m v embarrassed and I won’t dare to show my face ever again HAAHA, I appreciate that you replied!!! (& it’s like so fast that I can’t even use the holidays to hide hahhaha) but really thank you.
after that, I was a mess, and I’m still a mess. & worse still I had to go to school for 2 more days before the holidays start.
I went to school on Thursday, and I knew I wasn’t gonna see her almost at all because I had her timetable HAHAHA and I knew our lessons never have clashes on Thursdays. But I realised one thing though, our classrooms in the morning were kind of close. 2 separate buildings but my window was facing her classroom doors. The doors were kept closed when they were in it but I knew she would come out for her breaks.
And there she was, still glowing and flawless. Somehow, I still wanted her to notice me, because we were so far away, I really wanted her to notice me because I didn’t need to hide, just pretend like i wasn’t aware that’s all.
I was near the window, when she was walking back, I glanced a little, I thought I felt her eyes on me, & I was happy for the day again.
Friday, a day I used to look forward to because we had a lecture together. & turns out I still looked forward to it, it was just that now fear was added into the equation of my body’s chemical reactions.
I took my usual seat, and I realised she didn’t take her usual, which was a clear view from mine. she shifted to a seat that was near to mine, but out of my line of sight if I was actually looking forward and paying attention in class.
I was definitely thinking, if she did it on purpose, knowing I look at her for way too long during lessons before. just thinking about it again, I feel disgusted by myself and of course I feel really sad too. but this is what I brought upon myself.
That day, I also walked by her on the stairs, we were so close, yet we were so far apart. I immediately dropped my head once I saw her, she probably saw me too, it felt like the right thing to do, to not look at her because I don’t have the right to do so.
Monday I came back for lectures and this time I could look at her because we were in the auditorium and we were really far apart. I don’t know why I was still hoping she’d look back.
the holidays came and I kind of didn’t want it to come?? Although it’s a great time for me to hide from her, to avoid feeling embarrassed for myself. But still, I realised that all I wanted still, was to see her. and just the thought of not being able to see her for a month was just really awful. I came back to school one day for consultation and while I was eating my sausage pastry, climbing up the stairs with Sarah, there she was. Our eyes met and I felt like I was taken back to the first and only time she smiled at me, i was mesmerised all over again. Of course I immediately dropped my head and shifted my eyes somewhere else, or she might really think I’m a psycho and also I was feeling afraid again.
Finishing the consultation, I was hoping she would still be there, but I looked back and she was gone. I stayed in school to study, for quite a Long time because I was waiting for my Friend, but I had no luck. my admirer got to see me though, that’s some good luck for her.
anywAys I’m actually thinking about sending another email. because now I know she would reply?? But you know I don’t wanna come off as a really crazy person or seem too desperate. Or you know disturb her. but I really want to, since I feel like this time I have some bravery, knowing it probably can’t get any worse?
19 June I might see her again, for a biology crash course, I really hope I see her again. with this, I end my log for now, I’m tired of being myself, because it feels like I’m draining my own energy and it feels like I’m drilling a hole in my head too.
Being myself is currently my hardest goal to reach, while I sometimes reach it, like I said, it’s really tiring.
on a side note, I took some time off studying today ( like a lot of time) to draw!!!! because I haven’t done so in a Long Long Long time and it calms me in stormy seas like this one I’m currently in.
this is the drawing: and I’m honestly really proud of it! woohoo to my guilty pleasure.