hiiiiii, today I let myself go.

I don't even remember writing that??? HAHAH how did I let myself go?? I don't think it was v significant because I don't even remember.

anyways it's 19 June, and yup it's the crash course day & I didn't even realise today was 19 June till 12 pm & ran to school immediately to attend the bio crash course I have Long awaited for (to be able to see Laura for about 5 hours (but I missed out 3 hours sigh) )

but omg my instincts were right, and although the lecture theatre was only about 2/8 filled?? She was right there. I assumed that if I felt like there was a need to attend this, she would have felt it too. (AND IM FREAKING SERIOUS ABOUT THIS HAHAHHA) but also bc I know she's studious (hot).

and today, 24th june, I know I'm gonna die because 27th is the start of MYCTs, and of course I will forever remember his because its happening again, I cant finish studying again. SIGH, WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN. and yesterday I had a mental breakdown, I don't know whether it has happened before but it was definitely scary because it came hand in hand with my terrible throbbing headache. Angie came back and left for mummy's house and I felt so alone, she went and I ran after her, swung the door open to catch her at the lift, and that's when my tears couldn't stay in my tear ducts no more. I was just so frustrated that I cant make myself focus when there was so much time for me to do so, I deserve this stress I'm feeling. I went back to study, and had no idea how to study inheritance at all. cart realised I was reading the book and was very angry, she asked me to redo the tutorials but I told her that I read the tutorials and it would be useless, then she asked me to redo the block tests, but I felt very reluctant and i wasn't really sure that would help me, and i guessed it showed on my face, lost+tired+reluctant, she became mad and said bye and left me.

i broke down again obviously, feeling even more alone than before. Without ahgong, there was no life in the house. I mean I'm alive, but I'm so dead its insignificant. Without angie chattering away with her boyfriends, while i hate it, i want it to be present. ok anyways now I'm feeling a little better, but we wasted about 4 hours outside, i gotta catch up, (AND IM SO SAD BC THAT 4 HOURS WAS SO SO SO SO IMPORTANT;)

turns out that 4 hours inherently didn't mean anything to me because I waste so much more time anyway. sigh Christy you really suck, like really. 

Not gonna do well for this definitely, but at least it's over, Ohya forgot to mention that it's over. It's a relief but this is the last week I get to enjoy myself. I hope I learn and really let this week be the last of relaxation. Prelims is like a little more than a month away?? and given that I had the whole of the June holidays HOLIDAYS to study for MYCT and still failed to do so indicates that I definitely will fail to get ready for prelims. But what if I really gave it a try, like a full try try like a really try try, like what trying really means. I hope I try. ok bye 

today is 12 July, the first PE day I had with Laura since the life changing email. It was really weird Bc the way she acted, I really didn't like it, if it was someone else. it's like you know the trying to be funny act in front of a teacher when she asks questions. 

the PE teacher asked the class about what we learnt before the holidays. And so she said chicken, and then she said catching or passing the ball?? or just something like that but it wasn't a right answer. and then she was like oh sorry but that's what I learnt. and then she kept saying chicken all that again, it wasn't funny honestly. 

I want to say I dig the behaviour but I really didn't and I feel like I cringed a little?? Like maybe. But in my mind I was also thinking: if I knew her I was gonna laugh at her for trying so hard to be funny and ended up looking stupid.

But I get what she's trying to do. When u get a chance to speak up in a crowd full of people so alike, you want to be somebody. The other day at PE I cringed at myself when I said that my challenge was my height Bc I'm quite short and bla bla bla, when I knew that the right answer was something about movement and speed. yA ew, I was really Glad Laura wasn't there to hear all that crap. 

anyways the worst part wasn't that, because she kept on talking with yixin I think?? or another girl when mrs Tan was talking, mrs Tan was really really really really annoyed. 

And she scolded Laura, and what she said was really embarrassing, I felt embarrassed for her and I bet everyone else did, but she did it upon herself. So she said something like: "you think you're so cool right, that you don't have to listen" omg her pride must have broke.

I was also wondering if she felt embarrassed especially in front of me Bc I'm suppose to like her as a really perfect and funny and not inattentive and rebellious girl. but Idk. 

the end of PE and I saw that I had to put back a ball, sigh I honestly for the first time, didn't want to. but everyone else was leaving and they already had their balls in the bag. I glanced at the bag and yeah Laura was in front of the bag. I do still like her but that closeness I just really didn't want after the email. 

I saw that if I didn't do it quick I would have to bring the bags so I rushed over & saw that she had a ball in her hands too. 

We placed the ball in the same bag and I realised I had to zip the bag and waited for her to place the ball before zipping, Bc it was only the polite thing to do. And she said thank you in a really enthusiastic tone and what could I say or do?? Panic made me do nothing. I did nothing. not even you're welcome, which actually I probably wouldn't say even it was someone else. I didn't even lift my head and smile which I thought I should have but it could have been creepy. Sigh.

oh I also wanted to say. I always feel like people are watching me, like maybe they're interested in me or something.  Maybe not like interested interested but u know, curious. i can't tell if it's Bc i look at them, so they look back. Or is it me realising that they're looking at me, and hence it being the reason I'm looking back. Thinking about it makes me feel like  a narciccist.

So there's quite a few people, not boasting, just trying to figure it out by writing it down. 

1) Shalaila

this one I realised before that we always made some weird eye contact and then Chu Ling and jx told me that she thought I was cute. That's when I started suspecting the other eye contact victims Bc this eye contact turned out to be an interested party.

2) the girl I did aerobics with side by side & also sit above her for Chem. 

This honestly I do not know but it's just this weird eye contact we keep having. it started after that PE aerobics and i saw her looking at me when I was studying alone outside the Audi, and then I saw her looking when I walked past, and during Chem lectures as well, i have no idea at all. 

3) the bus girl

omg this is a girl I sit with on the bus as u can tell from the name. we sometimes sit on the same bus in the morning and she's been spotting me ever since?? Maybe it's just like loook and the thought "oh I take the bus with her" Bc that's what I think about.

4) yixin

She's the tall tanned Malaysia Chinese frisbee girl in PE class. Ever since we looked at each other at the water cooler. & honestly she's quite hot, the only thing that makes me kind of pushed away is her speaking mainly chinese 

5) Madeline 

omg I had a crush on her for like weeks??? HAHA and now she's finally looking back, I think?? idk she just looks unnatural around me. 

6) van Tay 

omg this is the hot Volleyball girl and ya I started doubting my own observation skills Bc how can it be?? 

7) I don't really care anymore, I just want Laura to be on this list???

today I feel is the most depressing day this year, but it's probably not the worst yet. although I actually got to see Laura so much omg. you should remember this day because it's the day you felt like you put Sarah down.

Today we had the first day of night study and we studied in the canteen and laura was in the canteen!!!! and we went to queue for the food and Laura was in the queue. And then we got chased out to outside the Audi and Laura went outside the Audi!! and if I just lay my head on the table, and leaned forward, I have a clear clear clear great view.

Sigh but sadly this day was really so depressing. Sarah keeps thinking and having this faith in me that I don't have in myself. It's kind of particularly about econs, when we were doing QAs of essay questions, I really didn't know what to put in the essays, like I have no knowledge or content in my head, and even if I do it's like the bare minimum. But she believes that it's just somewhere inside me, I think I don't know it but actually I do and I just need to try. Am I not trying??? I'm trying but i can't eliminate the fact that I really do not know anything.

I wanted her to understand, subconsciously. And when she didn't know how to answer the questions, I implied that it's because she didn't have it in her, she didn't have the content in her so how can she pour it out. It's not about Not remembering, it's about whether it's even there for outpouring.

Sigh but I was so pessimistic, trying to make her feel pessimistic, I sucked as a Friend. She was trying her best to motivate me but I pulled her down. I brought her down together with me.

We had such a bad Chem experiment day today as well, although it's something we laughed about and will probably laugh about down the years but it felt really quite bad during the process. Like we mixed up the FA1, FA2, FA3, FA4 and we didn't even take the FA5. Then we mixed it up again, and again. it was like literally THREE TIMES. and I broke a measuring cylinder then she broke one too HAHAHAHA.

Ok anyways today's the next week and it's Friday and PE this week, you know what I'm gonna talk about, the one and only Laura.

I touched her hand for the first time omg. but sigh I suck at Netball and my hair was flying like mad I was mad ugly. I'm sad, all those times without my bangs I could have looked hot playing Netball and I didn't get to. And now it's time and it's also time for me to look ugly. And then freaking no one wanted to pass me the ball and I really felt like I was the one spacing out????? SIGH I wanted to show how cool I was. Instead I just kept outing the ball and passing it to the opponent.

Anyways I shook her hand, it was sweaty but obviously, but I was so excited. Like during the game she even defended me a little and intercepted the ball (embarrassing). Sigh I'm gonna MAKE SURE I PLAY WELL FOR THE LAST LESSON. speaking of last lesson, I'm so so so sad it's the last lesson next next week. It means no more close contact, and I'm really starting to feel like she's looking back. I'm just waiting for her to be brave enough to email me again. Or maybe she's waiting for me to be brave enough to email her again. But I'm not, sadly. Idk, i had urges, but writing it out like last time is scary, like what if I send it again.

ok this post is getting to Long, I didn't send anything. End of story.

 

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